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ME ENSEÑASTEIS; Y YA NO ESTAS.

HOW DO I GET DIGNITY Y SELF RESPECT!

I DON’T Wait for TEXTS.

(Uff…still learning this one).

I GO OUTSIDE & DO MY PULL-UP REPS.

ME ENSEÑASTEIS Y YA NO ESTAS.

I gave myself chips.
I am an important person and You gave me gifts.

To be seen. To be heard. To be understood. To be interesting. To be a friend.

Me enseñasteis y ya no estas.

CAN'T keep burying.

I did not think about

The weight I would be carrying.

I think God sent you to me in a time I needed help.

No matter what; I was appreciated for myself.

Me enseñasteis y ya no estas.

Y solo éramos AMIGOS.

And might never believe that I was friend zoned.

before that.

Bc my mom sees my beauty

(& you do too).

And I was deeply sad truly...

I am a beautiful woman.

Me enseñasteis Y ya no estas.

Misconception that I was a MA-NI-PU-LA-TOR.

Same category as pedofiles, damn.

But I liked you... because you were a differentiator. You were warm. I could feel safe I could feel whole. I wanted nothing more. :(

A whole person. And you liked my aura & presence. Your actions showed it.

In the way you rested your chin on my shoulder. When we watched a old animae film you liked about a death girl dealing with boulders and a boy who lost his father. It didn't matter to you that I am older

you grabbed my hand to cross the street 'cuz I almost got run over

by a motorcycle

after you said, "que te parece we get un refresco while we wait for your bike to get fixed?"

And you got second hand embarrassment and

you came over and grabbed my hand obliga' and bought me the best chicle icecream becuase there was a surprise swirly lolipop candy in the middle.

And I was embarrassed and mimada but cool with that. Because there was respect.

You carried my bike in the hot sun on your back and just cuz you wanted to just cuz u like to treat me well. Used to. That's alright tho.

There was no secret to be kept. Because There was consent. There was respect. For my hug in my room. I could rest.

When you were there. I started to get better! Wake up earlier. I felt like someone payed attention and listened to my thoughts. Kept me company. Not just "heres a plate a warm food and a room," now be ok. Which I also see now is the best too. It's just hard to heal. Soy muy malagradecida.

Respect to my mother because it's by her grace I can change my life and pursue my business. The splinter in my hand comes from loosing:

The wholesomeness.

Reduced to:

El es un hombre Y tu una mujer.

Not a whole person.

Una mujer.

Forced hugs to people.

Una mujer.

Look pretty so they see you.

Una mujer.

Not a whole person.

Una mujer Left behind in a earthquake...
Una mujer.

Just in your eyes I could get to be me.

Big afro, natural smile -me. Nothing to hide-me.

Honest. Too honest. Me. Should have kept my consuelo in thee to JUST

ME.

Honest. big t-shirts acceptance, JUST ME.

Wholesomely. Ain’t trynna hide.

Or harm NOBODY. : /

I said I was pretty.

YOU affirmed I was pretty.

The baggy clothes didn’t matter.

Acceptance.

Friendship.

So I understand, I understand it was for a season and long term it was not meant to be. The way I replayed the audio of you laughing saying “uyy parce,” Before I deleted thee Messages. Because the pain of waiting...hmm.

Was toooo painful.

I have to wait for my husband To get a hug laying down essentially; but you made it clear that I was

IN FACT!

Just thee friend.

I understand it was kinda a in between.

And I was cool w that. "You my only amiga here. Just accept the special treatment. Just accept it." You said! So it makes sense…

I’m frustrated

YOU Left?

So now I AM upset!

How you gone ignore me in my own house? Descarao'.

And you are timid. “Hola Edy,” you say out the window, Shly. I squint my eyes at the AUDACITY. Next time I saw you I promise I pummeled you with a pillow with the Tiny red tomatoes From my grandma’s back yard

I missed every shot by the way. Y a ti te dio pena that I wanted to punch you in la calle so I held back.

You only come here to eat and poop!

I wanted to pummel you with my fists. Hold a pillow in front of you. You freakin’ flaco scaredy cat! What now!! “POW!” I just want to *novela slap you and you move your face out the way at the same reaction time so I can finally release my anger and be free. And I'm glad I make you laugh.

I thought You didn’t even defend me or stand up for me. That hurt my feelings. AGAIN. Like papi. Or...I'm starting to notice y'all do stand up for me with mami in private when I'm not there.

Y’all have other strengths.

Emotional intelligence. Can only blame myself, for feeling lucky to have had you.

It must be hard for mom, dealing with her aging mother and not having the tools to help her daughter but a warm plate and a room is more than words can express enough.

I feel sorry I can't praise her more for everything she's done for me ever. She raised me, the last flower in her jardin. Beautiful, wholesome, inteligente, y sabia y sweet y funny. I really didn't cross the boundaries mom I'm sad but I forgive your view and I also understand the protection and care. This road is not easy. I wish you knew.

Tears threaten to fall as Mami looks concerned 'cuz I don’t want to eat lunch cuz you’re there. And she ruined my relationship but then you said, "no quiero mas 'na,"

It's divine protection I hope. Because I saw my Christina's beautiful wedding and maybe God wil grant me the grace to have wholesome love with a title like that one day. For now it's just being left behind feelings, and blown kisses from old men on bikes and married men asking for my number. But I don't respect that. I don't walk like that. I try not to pay any attention. But it gets lonely. I appreciate being talked with at the park just normal conversation and playing basketball with new members of my community.

I don’t want people in my life who avoid and make me loose hope. while I’m out here being Poet X on these pages.. That’s how it is to cope.

Now I’m the bad guy Cuz pa’ fingir me sale caro

Pa’ mi paz

Con mi boca disparo.

So since the beginning I was not enganchando

YOU to be my man. Or at least try not to. Even though you acted like it Sencillo.

It was better than having a man be attracted to You, was better. It was about having a friend who actually helped you.

SAW YOU.

SEE? And…

YOU LET ME GO. I don’t want the fucking "hola edy."

Freakin’ address it. You COWARD. Stop looking down at your phone and avoiding my glare every time I'm in the living room it's increasing my anger every time.

You was not illusionando 'cuz u were honest. "You are just my friend, Edy I like to treat you well." I noticed you a gentlemen with all people. Elderly like my grandma you got down on one knee and gave her agua de coco as a surprise and Doña Nora loved it she concentida lol what a sweetie.

Protecting me

Carrying all the groceries

Memories

That I keep safe here in these pages for a past I can't transport back to.

And it was just a short time, I'm grateful to have known you for a week or so. Haha! Giving you your flowers in my writings.

Contributing not JUST monetarily never just about

But you treated me -cholados con bastante leche condesada con bastante fruta y la opcion mas cara sin preguntarme a mi

and You taking me out

Even though you were Out

Of it Emotionally.

But I enjoyed

Your company And now I can't even see you 'cuz

Me enseñasteis Y ya no estas.

This is after -you let me go to the store with chancletas de mi papa and you with the stupidest thing you said you ever bought. The silly chicken socks.

-I deleted the photos of you teaching me a new skill. You taught me AI skills and fun. I layed still -while u balanced the phone on my side and Here I was messing up inside

After you stopped being friends and I don't have pride

to move on, dignity or self respect, lol. I try.

I just do these pull up reps and go outside

and listen to sad songs

and go to fav spots

and move out.

-You helped me with my online store -

and fuisteis especial conmigo -

me dejasteis </3 en el olvido

-me dejasteis. Y

Me enseñasteis Y ya no estas.

-despues de subscribirte a mi canal y prender las notificaciones -and, for once I had a real friend (well all my friends are real friends but …) I don’t like quality time.

And you were just really kind

To hold my hand in the twin beds.

And I sulked on the side of the side of the bed that you got in trouble And I am tired of feeling slut shamed when I don’t Have rebuttals

And now its hard for me to Rest

Cuz u not here... And u made me laugh. Even sin querer queriendo And maybe its just the idea I had of you That was true Bc real u

let me go. To poop and eat at my house and make money you need. LOL. So I am gonna understand. And I still can't see you and accept the descaro.

So I gave u the biggest portion of chicken I bought on credit I warmed it up on the skillet And i gave u patacones

Con odio Cuz enrealidad no es odio. Es duelo

That u ignore me But it’s fine. Queriendote duele Cuz al fin Fuisteis muy timido pa decir la verdad Que no te sobe Te pedi que me abrazaras acostada

A tu ausencia Bc why couldn’t God just let it be what it be, for a little bit longer… U also treated me whole, equal.

That feeling is addicting. -And I slammed the skillet an slammed my door inside my bedroom but I hoped to love u cuz: :(

-God loves me and I like to love u. during bad not for u to love me back… just so u don’t feel sad

and alone.

Like me

Bc u left me.

To figure it out on my own.

I’m sorry, Hello. I hope to not feel sad.

With no one by my side who’s hand Gripped my own. In friendship.

But I appreciated your friendship.

• I decided to leave my house.

But yo aprecié tu amistad, - tu compania, y igualdad - u respect.

you said hi to me. “Hola edy,” Timid. Barely looked at me. Can’t see me. Really see me. Anymore

Nothing to be sad about. Nothing to be sad about. It just is what it is. It’s for your best. I appreciate you putting yourself first.

Me resenti u ignoring me. I don’t really hate you </3

I just wish missing you wasn’t the worst.

**drama ends here**

Broken heart repairing and healing.

Oh, but I played basketball and soccer with new friends. I found a new BLISS Café that I love. I have funny conversations with my best friend-my hermana who doing well for herself. And I still have my other bestie Elise and we talk from time to time. I have more stamina and I'm FINE.

And I am FINE emotionally now. I hope I find tools to be emotionally stable through any storm.

I went to the CROSSFIT gym 6 days this week...who can I punch? LOL.

Norita chocoLATTé do you like this cuentico? I appreciate you witnessing. I hope at least entertaining.

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