I did not bring up the past. As confrontational as I am- I did not. I chose the road less traveled by. That of peace. I showed signs of Christ like behavior as in not picking favorites as to how well I treat people. I pretended to be in a situation where I am in a room with people who love and esteem me like my neighbor Juan.

If I was to do harm to someone else and felt repentent about it I would feel shame and embarrassment and not want people to see me different if I felt my victim had a irreconcilable difference and hostility towards me if exposed.

I am human-with flaws. I understand how painful it must be for someone to state rape or imply abuse when there was none. But there was some...harm. It was psychological.

When the family member layed on me chest to chest and refused to get off that was really the tough part for me. He did not touch my boobs or private inappropriately. Just powerless. Just the power dynamic in being in a missionary position with my legs spread open and a heavy man refusing to get off me asking me to kiss his cheeks or me refusing and him kissing my cheeks and the frustration and tears and my arms and legs being pinned and having trouble breathing under his weight was hard. It feels like my throat constricts after having spent three hours with this person. I can take agency as I was trying to find family love being close to this person or being beautiful can cause people heat or wanting to force affection. As I give these painful memories to God to be made whole I find it consoling to know that in my faith even when I feel I cannot-God conquered death and rose again and will be made whole.

I know this person changed and felt shame. It was in the way that when I was 17 it was the last time I felt his weight on me and I really appreciated that. That's forgivable. The past is the past, and humans are human. He is a product of his toxic masculinity as I am a product of a world who tries to make me forget I am a whole person, beautiful, and powerful.

I can not change other people, I can only respect myself even if other people don't. When I choose to not be hostile towards this person in my family it aloud not only healing for myself but for my community in this case this family because it aloud for the person to let their guard down as well.

As he saw I took small steps instead of avoiding when said person came over, I showed my face and I showed hospitality. I just want to also note that this is not a unsafe person for me now, and truly they can't comprehend the gravity of my perceived harm to my body agency. There are women who have to leave their family member behind because the harm was greater and it's unsafe. I feel compassion for that and the harmed person's safety and well being is the priority.

We ate cholados, and they talked to me directly about a cake I had got my mother for Mother's Day. That cake was delicious. That's the first time they really talked to me. They never really address me or talk to me which is harmful but I understood it's because the boundary I set. I bit the person in the chest when I was 17...10 years ago. He says my mom and dad never talk about it. That also harmed the person. They talk about me but not to me. And it's harmful that the mother of the person can't fully accept that harm was done and though unintentional...it wasn't just a silly game, it was a violation of body boundaries that I lay at the feat of God.

And as I separate the person from the action. As I uplift the person and reinforce that I am a whole person no matter any insufferable circumstance in that depth of knowledge within my spirit I'm going to be alright.

It was nice to not be ignored, it was nice to see the person less hurt as well. I pray for them in secret. And maybe since I will be blessed, and anyone who chooses peace will be blessed, I will be excused by my maker from any more awkward family reunions for the sake of my grandmother.

Family is important. I'm trying to find peace within myself and I know this painful memory will be healed completly and erased from my mind. I talk in an edifying way and choose light. I also acknowledge that this family has celebrated wins like graduations and birthdays and airport arrivals very intentionally. Although I am scared and not perfect, God says do not fear. I hold on to the pair of shoes they gave me that lasted me well over a year when I worked 50 hour weeks. I appreciate them not continung the harmful pinning my arms. I have hope in my bright future. He's not a bad person, he is a good family member...I can only say as to why he did that is because he thought I was pretty, he admired me and he didn't know no better than to take my agency away as he thought he was playing and he didn't know how scared I was. He wanted affection. That's why he found a mischevious way. The person handled female cousins like that jokingly and surely they didn't mind and took it as light teasing since they grew up together. I can't imagine the magnitude and culture shock on both ends when he pinned me and the result was life long trauma to repair. LOL. I'm jk. Just trying to make light of a memory that made me feel nauseous today towards the end since it kept replaying in the front of my mind. I'm so happy they visited my mother's lonely mom. She needs community. We all try our best in this life.

Positive things to highlight are I think this person has great style, they like functional exercise as do I, they have their soft sides as they claim, and they do not rub me scarring their chest with the bite in my face. That was the last time. And today we looked each other in the eye. We ate breakfast at a restaurant as a family and had small talk and went to the park and did pull-ups. It's hard to admit when you are wrong which why sometimes why forgiveness needs to come before the apology. Wait...Edy don't think about getting admittion of guilt or a sorry. Just know they are sorry, and if the throw up anxiety still happens break every chain. You are a champion, a light, the salt of the earth. You can be in any room and take up space even though the person is big. God's Mercy is sufficient. I'm proud. Thank you for breaking a chain of unforgiveness, now comes the shedding of chains of every limitation and harm that doesn't serve me.

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What can I do better next time?

I can be honest about how I feel. And say I'd like to acknowledge the pain and move on and I don't hate you. I don't want to continue these family functions with this under the carpet. If you want to express yourself or have a honest dialogue we can build a more hopeful future united as family and friends. But I don't want to pretend anything didn't happen because it did and we are harming not talking about it. If you want to disagree or not talk about it and you have your perspective and I have mine I respect me and I respect you but maybe just give me a heads up before you visit grandma so I can make different arrangements to opt out.

Life Pushed Me in Order to Teach Me that:

I can forgive no matter what the situation. And more importantly that I am a powerful person who can stay calm in circumstances and my strength is in my voice and wisdom. I'm strong mentally and I'm beautiful I can survive bad treatment and understand it's not to be internalized. Only thing to internalize is that I'm ok and I'll be ok learning, growing and succeeding.

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